


Lovin' Is Easy...Finally

by SadRadBitch



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Death, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Grieving, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Meet-Cute, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:46:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28993140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SadRadBitch/pseuds/SadRadBitch
Summary: Get ready to insert yourself into potentially dozens of different relationships, each with a different Attack On Titan bachelor/bachelorette/Hange :)Eventually, every character will get their chance to fall in love with you, or continue to love you; just whatever I decide to give them, I guess.  Some will have a few parts if requested, and it might eventually get a bit smutty, who knows?  If the canon universe is making you sad, forget it and come flirt with characters that you like to pretend exist.  :)
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Reader, Bertolt Hoover/Reader, Hange Zoë/Reader, Sasha Blouse/Reader
Comments: 4
Kudos: 46





	1. Bookworms

**Author's Note:**

> Bertholdt is an underappreciated string bean, and I will stand for it no longer! Now get ready to watch him nearly blush himself to death in a book shop run by a mad scientist and a sleepy midget! :)

You sighed as you flicked out your arm and checked your watch. You had another hour until your shift ended and you could go home, feed your cat, flop onto your bed, and do nothing for hours on end. You liked doing nothing; it was your biggest passion in life. You weren’t a very interesting person, so a boring ass passion like that was very befitting of you. That boring life fully extended to your job.

You worked at a cozy little inner city book shop/café. It had an average flow of customers and coffee good enough to serve. You had the average sections: romance, science fiction, adventure, biography, historical fiction; the like. Nothing was very special about the place, and that’s why you liked it. The staff was nice enough, there were a few rude customers every week, the café would screw up an order every so often, someone would order an extremely specific book through you even though they could have done it from home; just the usual things that go on at every book shop in the world. 

The most interesting part of the shop was probably the random assortment of shelter cats Mr. Ackerman would bring in every day. He said that he felt bad when he walked past the animal shelter every morning so he struck up a deal with the owner to let a few roam free through the store every day. (He had just rolled his eyes at you when you asked why he didn’t invite any dogs.) Most of them just wandered through the isles, rubbing themselves all over the books on the bottom shelves, or slept on the abundant windowsills at the front of the store. They got the occasional pets and coos from customers, and the constant pets and coos from Mr. Ackerman. They also got picked up by Hange Zoe, the co-owner of the shop that hated honorifics and apparently loved getting scratched to hell and back. 

“You’ll never make friends by being shy, Levi!” You remember them arguing to their co-owner.

“Yeah, I’m sure you know plenty about making friends, Hange.” He argued back, staring them dead in the eyes, completely deadpan.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” They defensively shouted back.

They had arguments like that all the time, and it honestly never got old, for you or your co-workers.

“Oh my god, this again? Are you guys serious?” Connie laughed, feigning annoyance.

“Connie, shut up! Last time we made fun of them Mr. Ackerman cut my break in half!” Sasha shouted under her breath. 

“I don’t know guys, you think there’s something else going on behind the scenes here?” Jean joked, wiggling his eyebrows at the other two. Connie shoved him with his elbow, knocking him clean off the stepladder. You then had to patch Jean up in the breakroom and somehow manage to stand his half-joking, half-serious flirting for twenty minutes. They were all nice enough, definitely funny as hell; but even with their antics, your job was still pretty boring.

Until today.

Right after you checked your watch, three people walked in, each of them looking like they lived in completely different universes. One was an extremely muscular blond man with his arm wrapped around another mans back. He was wearing the kind of outfit a white dad would wear to a barbeque, but he by no means looked bad. Another was a closed off blonde woman with a hooked nose. She was wearing a grey hoodie, a black jacket, black jeans, and combat boots. Her hair was pulled into a ponytail about as tight as her frown, which made her look beyond unapproachable. The fact that her arms were crossed in front of her chest made it even more obvious she didn’t want to be there.

The other guy also looked like he didn’t want to be there, but in a totally different way. He looked like he had just walked into a lion’s den, one hand scratching the back of his head, the other loosely gripping the front of his navy blue sweater. His face was flushed beyond belief and he seemed to be sweating bullets. You could just barely make out what he was saying to the shorter blond.

“Reiner, I told you, I’m really not up for this. I’ve only seen her like twice I shouldn’t rush it. Anyways, the books I want are super embarrassing and I don’t want her seeing me buying them. Let’s just go to the shop down the street. I saw a book I might like in their window, so that’s probably worth checking out.” He rambled quietly, like he was trying not to be overheard by the FBI. His friend smacked him on the back hard enough to make him cough.

“No way, buddy! You’re doing this, and you’re doing it now. You’ve got your eye on a honey, now get on ‘em before it’s too late, man!” He laughed a hearty laugh. You assumed he was trying to be reassuring, but he really came of as threatening and slightly perverted. (Who the hell calls potential partners ‘honeys’?) The short blond woman said nothing as they continued to push through the double doors. You decided you should greet them since everyone else was busy doing random chores.

“Hey guys! Anything I can help you find today?” The tall man turned around hard enough to snap his neck as you spoke and gave you a look that screamed “I nearly pissed myself just now”. The blonde woman looked at you and gave you a small nod, barely acknowledging your existence.

“Oh, no, we’re just lookin’ around for now. Thanks, though!” The blond man, apparently named Reiner, said, giving you a toothy smile and a dismissive wave. He had apparently decided to be less pushy, probably because of how nervous the other guy got.

“C’mon, Bert, let’s go get the stuff you said you wanted.” Reiner turned back to his friend, continuing to push him forward, the woman slightly lagging behind.

“Damn, I get it now, man.” He said, barely audible, followed by an excruciatingly high pitched whistle. One of the cats looked up from their window seat, clearly offended. You were equally…shocked by that one. So, this Bert guy was after…you? Seriously? And the Reiner guy agrees, apparently. You were actually pretty glad that Bert was the one actually going after you once you thought about it. Reiner seemed…off. Not to mention how cute Bert was.

He was tall and lanky, probably around the six foot range. He wore a navy blue sweater over a periwinkle button down, a thick black belt looped through coffee colored pants cuffed at the ends, socks embroidered with a singular bumble bee at the top, and Doc Martens that only came up to his ankles. His hair was messy and perfectly matched his pants. A singular golden earring in the shape of a leafy branch hung from his right ear. His eyes were a stunning shade of slate grey, his nose was hooked like Hange’s, and his thick brows were furrowed, clearly showing exactly how nervous he was. He was…pretty. You liked looking at him. You wondered what he looked like when he smiled, or what he’d do if you came up to him to check if he needed anything. You decided to just hang back while the group checked out the selection of books. You hoped they would end up needing help finding whatever Bert needed. You wanted him to come up to you, nervous as all hell, and shakily ask you whatever question he had. That would be so goddamn cute.

You could hear the three of them arguing from up front. It sounded like they were in the romance section, which explained the embarrassment he felt. I mean, you didn’t think it was anything to be ashamed of, but a lot of guys were brought up to believe it was. Reiner seemed to feel the same, surprisingly.

“Man, quit being such a pussy.” He was clearly a master of encouragement. “Just man up, get your cheesy romance novels, and ask that babe out. You deserve it man! Annie, back me up here.” He must have been talking to the woman they were with.

“Berthold, just get the damn books so we can get out of here. Oh, and ask them out, but don’t be weird about it like you always are.” Man, these guys were awful at helping their friend. 

Berthold? That must have been his full name. It’s an interesting one to be sure, and honestly pretty fitting for such an awkward guy. It really just made him cuter in your eyes. And he read romance novels? Damn, what a package. insert dick joke of choice here 

You heard them shuffling through and subsequently exiting the isle. He must have found what he needed, or your dreams of him asking you questions was about to come true. Or he was just going to walk through the door and leave you hanging. It had to be one of those options. When Reiner pushed him forward and Bertholdt sat some books on the counter, you assumed it was the first option.

“Reiner, quit pushing the poor fucker around.” Annie scolded, socking him in the shoulder, nearly tipping him over.

“Jesus, Annie, you’re so goddamn violent. I’m tryna’ help him out you know!” He yelled, rubbing his shoulder, clearly hurt by her assault. 

“Let him figure his shit out on his own, you dumbass.” She said, crossing her arms back over each other and looking over at nothing.

“Guys!” Bertholdt screeched. “Stop yelling, this is a book shop! And stop hitting each other, you’re gonna get hurt.” He scolded like a mother talking to her leash children. You inwardly laughed at how accurate that comparison was.

“I’m so sorry about them. It’s hard to believe they’re college graduates, huh?” He giggled nervously at his friends’ childish antics.

“Yeah, I kind of assumed you guys were high-schoolers, to be honest.” You joked, sharing another laugh with Bert. His laugh was more confident and full of life this time. It was just as cute as the rest of him, especially the way his nose scrunched with his eyes.

“I completely understand.” He snickered again. Reiner and Annie seemed to be too wrapped up in their own drama to notice you two. 

“So, romance novels? Not many guys are brave enough to buy these.” You said, trying to compliment him inconspicuously.

“Oh, yeah. It’s a…secret…passion of mine, I guess.” He said, choking on his words that clearly wanted to stay in his head. “It…they just make it look so easy, y’know.” He looked at you like he didn’t mean to say that out loud.

“I totally get it. You’d be surprised at how many meet cutes I screw up every day.” You tried to use self-deprecating humor to calm him down. The last thing you wanted to do was intimidate this cutie pie any further.

“Really? I figured…y’know…you wouldn’t have a problem with those.” He squinted like he was chewing himself out in his head, mostly because he was. 

“Oh, why’s that? Because I’m…cute?” You teased.

“Maybe…a little bit. I dunno.” You were clearly making him even more nervous, the blush on his cheeks quickly spreading.

“Well, I think you’re pretty cute, too, if that’s the case.” You said, trying to compliment him, being completely shameless this time.

“Oh…o…kay. Thank you. You too.” He slowly laughed, trying to shake off the nerves. It wasn’t working. You were just so damn beautiful. He looked back at his friends. Reiner was giving him two thumbs up and a cheeky smile while Annie continued to squint at nothing. It’s really hard to understand why people always thought of him as the hapless dork of the group. The braincells were anything but plentiful. Berthold looked back at you, filled with a new confidence. Looking at how absolutely useless the other two were filled him with a renewed sense of self-worth.

“Hey, listen, if you have time tomorrow, maybe we could get some coffee. We could just meet here if you want, the coffee was good when I tried it last week.” He just asked you out. Goddamn, Bertholdt Hoover just asked an extremely pretty person out. 

“Yeah, let’s meet here tomorrow when I get off at six, sound good?” You asked, suddenly as giddy as humanly possible.

“That sounds perfect! I’ll see you then!” He beamed from ear to ear, gently lifting the stack of books of the counter where you had set them after ringing them up. He walked back to his friends.

“Holy shit, Bert! You asked ‘em out! Fuckin’ man of the hour over here!” Reiner cheered, pulling Bertholdt down to give him a noogie. 

“Reiner, quit it! You’re making a scene.” Bertholdt scolded again, tripping over himself trying to get out of Reiner’s headlock. Annie silently snorted at them, clearly trying to escape their notice. 

As you watched them open the door, the cat that had previously been napping in the afternoon sun sauntered up to Bert, softly merrp-ing at him and rubbing against his leg. He squatted down to pet her, softly cooing at her, complimenting her velvety coat. The setting sun framed his figure perfectly. He looked like Apollo himself. He slowly rose back up to his towering height, waved down at the cat, and trudged after his friends that had left him behind to continue their personal beef. You couldn’t wait to see him again.

“Oi, brat, you gonna help the others with the cleaning?” A voice that sounded like Mr. Ackerman’s called, snapping you out of your trance.

“Hey! You’re not Levi!” You exclaimed at Jean, who admittedly did a great impression of him.

“Yeah, well I’m also not the one making goo-goo eyes at discount Andrew Garfield and asking him out for coffee like a pretentious academia fuck. Now come help us, Sasha locked herself in the supply closet.” He said turning in the direction of the closet in question.

He was not a discount Andrew Garfield…he looked more like John Mulaney…idiot…


	2. Angelic Ocean Nerd

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armin loves the ocean, and you love Armin. You grew up around the ocean, and Armin loves you. You reminisce about your first kiss and make fun of your shockingly muscular oceanography nerd. It's cute.

The bright cobalt waves slowly swallowed your legs and spit them back out. Gulls swirled around the salty sea air, looking for tourists to harass, a few swooping down to nip at soggy fries strewn about the boardwalk. The smell of different sweets and cheap, plastic novelties being vended just above the beach mixed with the natural brine of the ocean. “Rebellious” teens skateboarded on the burning pavement, old folks slowly hobbled along the shore, and young parents were slowly tortured to death by their leashed 5 year-olds. You sat on the shoreline with your boyfriend, soaking it all in. It was normal for you, but it was bliss for him.

Well, he wasn’t as enthusiastic about it as he normally was at the moment. He was sleeping peacefully beside you, soft snores rumbling from his chest where his hands loosely held a book about some random oceanic facts you didn’t understand. You didn’t really want to understand them either. You knew enough about the ocean for your own peace of mind, and it seemed like Armin was determined to keep filling your head with them, anyways. Reading about oceanography was basically obsolete with him around. You never complained, though. He was so enthralled with the ocean and all of its mysteries that listening to him talk about it gave you goosebumps, even though you already knew the basics of what he was saying.

You were fortunate enough to grow up by the beach. It was like the salty waves, nagging gulls, and screaming kids had become a part of you. Your hair always seemed to smell like the waves along the coastline and your feet couldn’t escape the feeling of warm sand no matter where you went. You couldn’t deny how wonderful the scenery was, but you’d seen it a million times before. The dark maroon and navy rocks, the random assortment of shells of varying worth and sharpness, the way the water got darker the farther in you went; you’d seen it every day since you were born. You weren’t one to get bored easily, but after 20 years of seeing the same scenery almost every day, it does tend to get a bit tedious. Your lover, on the other hand, was enamoured with the ocean and everything about it. 

Armin grew up in the city. He was surrounded by concrete and steel; muddy greys and clouds of smog ate up the skyline. Everyone around him seemed to ignore his existence completely, whether it be the smokers on the corner of the street, or the JV jocks who never understood a word coming out of his mouth. At least, that was how he explained it to you. He admittedly had some friends, but they were more involved with each other and their own personal trauma rather than him. He always felt like he fell to the wayside in their lives; like he wasn’t even the main character of his own life. He did extremely well in school and was on super good terms with most of his teachers, but it never seemed to be enough. He did pretty well at soccer, was the libero of his school’s volleyball team, but it still wasn’t enough to get him noticed. Jock, nerd, or otherwise, no one cared about him. 

But then, you showed up. He had just moved into his college dorm, and you seemed to just appear out of thin air at his door asking for help lugging your suitcases to your room. He obliged, partly due to his almost painfully polite nature, but mostly due to the fact that you were the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. 

He’d never met anyone like you, and that fact became more and more apparent every time he learned something new about you. You were never super interested in academics, but you were still so interesting to talk to, not to mention how amazing you looked every time he saw you. You always listened to whatever he had to say, whether he was talking about some volleyball match that happened five years ago or the mating habits of sea turtles. You looked at him like he was the most interesting person in the world instead of looking through him like everyone he had ever met. You actually reminded him of the ocean. He said that once when you were painting his nails in you room.

“Your hair frames your face like the ocean frames the shore. Your voice sounds like the rustling of palm trees, and your eyes shine like the sun reflecting off the surface of the waves and also I’d really like it if you went to get coffee with me tomorrow.” It all spilled out of his mouth in such a rush you could barely comprehend what he said. He seemed to get less confident the more he spoke, which was admittedly adorable. He had been rambling about some freshwater species of clam and the essay he had to write about them by the end of the week. You asked why he wanted to study the ocean so much, and he went off about how amazing it was; and how he cried like a baby the first time he saw it in person. Then he talked about how beautiful it was, and before you knew it, he was talking about how you and the ocean were one in the same.

“Armin, did…did you just ask me out? Like…on a date?” You questioned slowly. He loved when you spoke like that; like your words were syrup being spilled on a stack of blueberry pancakes. God, he loved you.

“Um…yeah! Yeah, I asked you out on a date!” He smiled wide as can be, seemingly proud of himself for climbing that mountain. You loved it when he got all confident like that. It was rare, but it was beautiful.

“Okay then, yeah. I’ll go get coffee with you.” You smiled at him, matching his excitement. His eyes widened and his cheeks turned strawberry pink. 

He continued to grin, but hid his snow white teeth behind his soft lips. You assumed they were soft. You’d never actually felt them before. You kind of wanted to test that theory. No, you really wanted to test that theory. He just looked so damn cute, blushing and grinning like a giddy schoolgirl. Not to mention how he just compared you to the ocean, you know, his favorite thing in the entire goddamn world; the thing he’d gone on and on about for hours at a time every time you saw him. He was there to study oceanography, for god’s sake. He clearly liked you a whole hell of a lot, and you felt the same. The fact that you wanted to give him a quick peck on the lips shouldn’t come as a shock to you, and neither should the fact that his lips were in fact very soft. 

You suddenly realized he’d beat you to the punch. He tasted like vanilla and smelled fresh, like the coast mixed with some kind of shrub you couldn’t place. The kiss was gentle and sweet, like the one’s you shared with your crushes in middle school. He didn’t add tongue, or bite your lip, or anything even remotely dirty. It was clean, it was saccharine, it was extraordinary. 

You squinted your eyes open to get a peek of your new baby. He looked like an angel: eyes closed softly, rosy lips gently attached to yours, cheeks still just as flushed as before, his straw gold hair lightly slipping over his eyes and tickling your nose. You could see him, framed in the clouds, violets and forget-me-nots tucked behind his ears, doves offering peace offerings behind him, shining like the sun itself. His face could melt Icarus’ wax wings; you could tell because it had already melted your heart. You were in love. You had found your home in Armin Arlert. You couldn’t have been more elated.

You were suddenly snapped back to reality as your boyfriend sat up, wiggling his toes in the water and stretching out his back. He silently yawned, still a bit delirious from his nap. He still looked perfect; his skin glowed in the sunlight, not to mention how he was surprisingly muscular. He heard in a TV show that exercising could calm anxiety, so he put himself on regiment and slowly but surely got built as hell. How the fuck did you get so lucky?

“Hey, maybe we should get on that project I came here to do, huh?” He giggled as he stood up, reaching his arms out to help you up from your beach towel turned bed. The sun framed him perfectly. He always looked like that in your imagination, but now that angelic glow was translated into reality. He seemed too good to be true.

“Yeah, well it’s your project, not mine. You decide when we slack and when we work, you know?” You chided as you got pulled up by Armin’s shockingly buff arms.

“I wasn’t slacking! I was resting. There’s a difference, you know?” He put one hand up defensively and slipped a strand of hair behind his ear with the other.

“Oh, oh, I’m sorry. I forgot to consider how much work it must be to carry around such a heavily scientific mind all day.” You joked, bending down to pick up the towel.

“I know! You’ve got to be more considerate of your personal young Frankenstein over here.” He giggled, making fun of himself, desperately trying to hold onto his polite nature and not stare at your ass. You were so beautiful to him, and that beauty just extended…lower than what was considered socially acceptable to appreciate. Knowing this, he turned to appreciate the vast ocean instead. You got up and tucked the folded towel under your arm. You looked at him, still just as stunned by the ocean as ever. His love for it reawakened a love for the waves you hadn’t had since you were a kid. He was intoxicatingly passionate, and you never wanted him to lose that. The day he lost his spark would be the day you lost everything you ever needed or wanted.

“So, where to, water wings?” You questioned, coming up with a dorky nickname on the spot just because you knew it would make him laugh that sweet little honeyed laugh he had.

“Let’s go check out the tide pools. These are prime dog whelk hours!” You chuckled at his childlike enthusiasm about glorified sea snails.

“Alright, let’s motor, bubs!” You had no idea why you called him that so much. It seemed more fitting for a puppy, but he seemed to like it well enough. He smiled every time you said it, anyways. Hell, he smiled at just about everything you said.

“Roger that, angel!” He linked his arm with your free one, blissfully unaware of the fact that he was the angel and you were just a lowly human. You strolled down the shore, arms linked, smiling like two dorks in love, because you were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Season 4 Spoilers:  
> Oh my god, did you see how sad and conflicted by boy looked after he shifted? Let the little blond man be happy for once! :(


	3. My Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hange and Moblit are good friends. Really good friends. Possibly too good. But you didn't want to get in their way. It's not like you were dating Hange or anything...oh wait...you were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's angsty, but I promise it's just as sweet as the others! :3

You never really understood what the hell Hange was doing in their lab. Well, the university’s lab, but it was basically theirs at this point. No one dared to disturb them while they did their precious work, save for Moblit. He was an angel of a man for working with them day in and day out; you truly couldn’t comprehend how he did it. But today, you would surely come to some kind of understanding. Hange had invited you to their lab to be their secondary research assistant for the day, and you were nervous as all hell.

You held a pad of white paper with red and blue lines running down and across each page, and a golden pen filled with black ink. You were supposed to be taking notes, but beyond that, you hadn’t the foggiest what was happening. Hange read from dusty, decaying chemistry textbooks and ordered Moblit to mix test tubes of blue and red chemicals together. You took notes when they asked, making sure to write down every last detail since you weren’t sure what words were important versus virtually meaningless. They were giddy, verging on hyper as they did their work, which seemed to seep into Moblit as he smiled about half as wide as them, still maintaining a sliver of his naturally apprehensive vibe. You stood on the sidelines watching them do their work, bouncing off of each other, mixing chemicals you didn’t know the purpose of and reading words you didn’t know the meanings of. They seemed so…good together. 

They fit like two pieces of a scientific puzzle. You swore they looked like soulmates; some twin-flame mumbo-jumbo Erwin talked about after getting too caught up in another romance novel. Everyone knew it. They always commented on how amazing they were for each other; how they couldn’t see one without the other. Levi got in on it, spitting up words that dripped with sarcasm and oozed all the jealousy he would never admit to. Hannes got in on it, mentioning how they reminded him of him and his his ex-girlfriend from his high school glory days. Good lord, even Miche, a man who spoke about once a month, got in on it. He said they smelled like soulmates when Erwin brought it up. What the hell did that even mean? 

Didn’t you smell like their soulmate? You were the one who cuddled them in bed every night. Well, you were the one who tried and failed to drag them to bed every night, falling asleep alone and waking up with them snuggled under your arm. You were the one who reminded them to drink water and take their meds. Hell, you were the one who reminded them to go to the doctor, the dentist, and to do their taxes; you were like their babysitter. You weren’t complaining about taking care of them, but something in you got closer and closer to snapping every time someone said that Moblit was meant for them. 

Moblit was great. He cracked jokes with you, always offered to grab you coffee on his way to work, complimented your outfits even when you put almost no effort in, and even went on double-dates with you and Hange a few times, which was seemingly proof enough that they weren’t meant to be together. But still, watching them work, doing their dance you couldn’t understand the steps of; it reminded you of the twin flames Erwin mentioned. You didn’t know what that meant, exactly, you were only half-listening when he brought it up and Levi cut him off before he went into detail, but it still bothered you. You were absolutely, irrevocably jealous. 

You hated that, you didn’t want to be the jealous partner. You didn’t want to be the toxic “lover” that slowly stole all your s/o’s friends and passions away. You didn’t want to lock Hange in a basement so they could only ever pay attention to you. You could never do that to them; they were so, so precious to you, and that’s why seeing them with Moblit really stung. You didn’t want to hurt them, or drag them away from their life, but you also didn’t want to watch them get taken away from you by test tubes and their best friend. Having to try to drag them to bed every night, not understanding half of what they said, knowing Moblit understood every word of it, seeing them attempting to create scientific marvels and cures for diseases you didn’t even know existed; it all drove you up the wall, and it made you so goddamn tired.

Hange loved you in their own special way. Tucking themself away in your arms every night, texting you memes that reminded them of you, asking for your input on their new button down that looked the same as all the others, joking about how they’d be dead in a ditch in Roswell without you. Their favorite thing to do was kiss you in weird places without any warning, attacking your exposed elbow or stomach with soft but quick kisses; it was cute, and it made it clear that they had feelings for you, especially when they did it in front of their colleagues, which always earned a chuckle from Erwin and an eyeroll from Levi. But still, there was this feeling in the pit of your stomach that none of it was true, and that it was all about to come crashing down around you.

“Hey, are you feeling okay?” Moblit questioned, interrupting your thoughts of him and Hange dancing to music you couldn’t hear. His brow was tightly knitted and his eyes were wide as saucers; he was clearly concerned, and it made you even more upset. How dare such a wonderful person make you so uneasy. Well, maybe that was why he made you so insecure: he was just too perfect all the goddamn time.

“Yeah, I’m fine! Why? Do I seem…off?” You joked, hoping to alleviate the unease that now fluttered through the warm air. You were in a dingy old lab in the middle of summer writing down words you didn’t even understand for Hange, but, no, Moblit was their fucking twin flame; somebody contact the authorities and tell them to arrest Erwin for being such an astounding genius.

“Honestly, a little bit.” He sighed, still just as concerned as ever. “Listen, I know science isn’t your forte and Hange can be a bit…okay, a lot much, so I just wanted to check in. I don’t want you getting worn out or uncomfy or anything like that. Just tell me if you do, alright.” He gave you a reassuring smile. He was being so considerate and sweet that it made you sick. Why the hell did he feel the need to be so wonderful. Hange didn’t look up from their work, but they did respond verbally.

“Listen to him, buttercup. I can guarantee you’re in capable hands with Moblit!” You were pretty sure you saw them give a slightly softer grin than their usual feral simper fueled by their scientific pursuits. You were, however, not reassured or comforted in the slightest. In fact, you felt sicker and sicker every minute that passed.

You tried to keep up as Hange wildly ordered you to scribble notes into the paper in your hands. You were so afraid to screw up any further than you already had. Or, at least, any more than you thought you had. In fact, it was all in your head, and some part of your brain understood this. Some piece of you knew that Hange loved you, that Moblit was just a great friend to you both, and that you were more than enough for them. However, that awful, sickening part of you screamed at that much more mentally stable part of your mind to stop lying; to admit that you were nothing to them. It wanted you to say that Moblit meant the world to Hange, that he was their twin fucking flame, and that you should just go home and wallow in self-hatred.

“Hey, guys, I don’t wanna be a downer or anything, but I think I’m gonna head home.” 

“Oh, but it’s still so early, delphinium! Are you sure you’re feeling alright?” Hange calling you by the name of one of their favorite flowers wasn’t cute that time; it felt more like a cruel joke. It honestly made you want to puke.

“Yeah, Hange, I’m fine. I promise. Just a bit tired, I guess.” You tried to calm their nerves, which you were pretty sure were fake. They were just a horribly good actor.

“Well, alright. If you’re sure. We’ll miss you, clover!” You were surprised they could look away from their work and Moblit for that long without straining themself.

“Yeah!” Agreed Moblit, adding insult to injury.

You gave a polite wave and walked out the door. You hadn’t brought anything with you, which lead to a quick and curt exit. You were so livid you could explode. But at the same time you were so melancholy you could simply vanish from existence. You had conjured up such a realistic breakup in your head that you somehow already missed them. 

You kicked rocks on your way home picturing them looking you in the eyes with that sweet puppy dog stare they always gave you. You could feel the tears welling up on your lash line, pooling out and cascading across your face, twisted in pain.   
You could hear them giving you every excuse in the book as to why you weren’t good enough, and why he was, and why they had better things to do, and why everything wrong with the world had everything to do with your incompetence. You could see them kicking you out of your shared apartment, slamming the door on you one last time. You could see it slowly fade from your vision as you desperately tried to pick up the pieces. 

You opened the door to that same apartment, crying as silently as possible. A cloud of ash, cherry red eyes, and laughing mouths followed behind you. You flopped on your bed, hoping sleep would bring a much needed reprieve from your imaginary loneliness. Instead, it brought nightmares where the awful events you pictured before were brought back, broadcasted to your eyes in a higher resolution format. You’d never seen Hange so mad before.

You were woken by the sound of keys jangling and your front door opening. You had been crying in your sleep. You’d always read about that in novels, but you didn’t really think it was possible; but there they were, small tears on your bottom lashes and a wet spot on your pillow. You felt pathetic; you felt fucking stupid.

“Hey, firethorn! I’m home! Oh!” They noticed your teary eyed figure on the bed, curled up in a ball, sniffling quietly. “Oh, goldenrod, what’s wrong?” They slid their bag off their shoulder and gently walked over to you, looking genuinely concerned. They kept their hands by their shoulders, waiting for your consent to hold you. They wanted so badly to wrap you in their strong embrace; they needed to let you know it was okay, even if they didn’t know why you were crying. They didn’t need to know the why to comfort you about it, they didn’t need to know anything; they just saw their baby crying, and they needed to make it stop. They couldn’t stand to see you in such a state: crying and shaking, unable to form words or even move.

“Darling, I know you’re very upset right now, and you don’t need to tell me why, but I need you to let me know how to make it better.” They said, words sweet and syrupy. “You mean the world to me, and I need to know you’re okay. I know I talk to much, but you just sit there and listen for me, okay?” 

“I think I know what’s wrong now. Is it that I’m too close with Moblit?” You stayed silent. “I figured. I really tried to get everyone to stop talking about us being ‘perfect together’ or whatever the hell they were saying.” Hange sounded as angry as you’d ever heard them. It shook you to your core, remembering your former nightmare. They saw you shake, and internally cursed themself.

“Okay, that’s not what you need to hear right now, I can see that.” They let out a soft chuckle, barely audible. “I love you, and I mean it. Moblit is my friend, but that’s it. I don’t need him, and I don’t need anyone else but you. I know I always joke about how I’d be dead without you, but to be frank, it’s not a joke. I would be dead without you, and if I ever lost you, I don’t know what the hell I’d do with myself.” They let out a small sigh. Saying all of this was clearly taking a toll on them. They were never one for sappy emotional pep-talks, but it seemed necessary at the time.

It was a welcome change. It was truly the most comfort you had ever received. You uncurled yourself, eyes still sparkling with salty tears; Hange smiled at you like you were the most beautiful thing in the world. You scooted over to them, and rested your weary head on their shoulder. You both sighed. In that moment, you were one, and you were whole.

“Listen, we all feel like we’re not enough sometimes. We’ve all felt like someone was better suited for our job, or that our parents would kick us out for being so worthless, or that we didn’t deserve the air we were breathing. You’re feelings are more valid than you’re probably giving yourself credit for. I’m not cheating on you, and I’d never leave you, but it’s perfectly alright for you to worry. In fact, I’ll take it as a compliment. You don’t want to lose me, I don’t want to lose you, and knowing that, we can both rest easy.” You smiled at that, feeling a bit better. They were right, it seemed that neither of you could afford to lose the other, so there was no need to worry about a third party or not being enough.

“You’re the most beautiful, perfect person I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting.” They continued. “No one I’ve ever known compares to you. You amaze me every day by doing the simplest of things. When you make toast, or pour coffee, or ride your bike, or put on a sweater, or text me; I just stare at you and think ‘god, what did I do to deserve them?’” Their eyes were shining like stars in the night sky. Everything they were saying was true, and you didn’t need to worry about Moblit or anyone else. They wanted you and only you.

“That’s pretty lame, Hange.” You giggled, wiping the tears from your puffy eyes. They laughed along with you.

“Well, you’re not that cool either, so there!” They argued back like a child. That always made you laugh and they knew it.

“That’s really mean!” You socked them in the arm, and they started to laugh even harder.

“I’m sorry, love. From the bottom of my heart.” They looked down at you, smiling at you like you were their everything. You were their everything.

“Now, would you like to go get dinner with me?” They asked, still giving you that loving look.

“Of course.”


	4. I Know The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She's dead and buried, and you can't cry while everyone's watching. I am crying while writing this, and you will feel the same pain as you read. I am so sorry. SPOILERS FOR SEASON 4 EPISODE 8 AND 9! :,)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the most depressing thing I've ever written. I know Bert and Ymir wouldn't be in the afterlife because of the path or some other horseshit, but let me dream. I HIGHLY RECCOMEND LISTENING TO ANY MITSKI OR PHOEBE BRIDGERS SONG WHILE LISTENING TO THIS. I wrote it to Mitski songs ranked by sadness, specifically Wife, Humpty, I Bet On Losing Dogs, and I Want You! Enjoy!

You sat at her graveside, looking off into the endless distance, wishing she could see it, too. You could see her eyes glisten in wonder, hear her asking you what you thought was beyond the horizon, feel her hold your hand while pointing at the setting sun, smell the scent of honeysuckle and salt water she always gave off, taste her strawberry lips on yours. You felt the sensation rush out of your quivering form when you realized it wasn’t real, and that you’d never feel any of that again. You hadn’t budged for hours, but you still couldn’t process it, almost like your brain was pretending the stone behind you didn’t exist. 

You saw Jean and Connie in the distance, like a mirage of better times; it reminded you of how she always jumped up and yelled for them when they came to see her, and how they’d rush towards her in excitement. They’d talk about their adventures and old memories until the sun set behind them and the stars came out to dance on the raven sky. She’d pull you up to dance along with them, smiling and giggling like a maniac, not having a care in the world. 

Now they walked toward you with chains around their ankles and shattered hearts cupped in their battered and bruised hands. Now every sign of aging was plain on their faces, and the emotional toll of war made a physical appearance. Their shoulders were slumped and their faces were grimmer than grim. Jean and Connie were gone; you weren’t sure who remained. They finally made it up the path to your caved frame. They looked down at you like you spoke different languages; like they didn’t know how to communicate with you anymore. 

“I’m…I’m sorry for your loss.” Jean broke the silence. He said that like it was your own personal loss, and that he was just another soldier talking to a newly broken wife; like you weren’t best friends for nearly a decade.

“Sasha was my other half and I know you’ve always felt the same.” Connie said. It was sobering hearing him so serious. Even in battle he found a way to make everyone laugh; to make her laugh. “I’d like to think I know what you’re going through, but I probably don’t, and I probably never will.” You looked up, and his eyes were coated in a thin layer of salt water. You hated what you saw.

“We all lost the same thing. We’ll all get over it. It’s what she wan-” You stopped yourself from using the wrong tense. “What she would have wanted.” You knew you were right, but God did you wish you weren’t. You wanted her here, with you and all her best friends. You wanted her drooling over Niccolo’s cooking and asking the dumbest questions and laughing like a maniac with Connie over the worst pun you’d ever heard. You didn’t want to be leaning on her gravestone.

“We just wanted you to know that we’re here for you. Sasha may be gone, but we aren’t. but we’re still friends. Okay?” Jean’s voice was uncharacteristically soft and his eyes held the same tears as Connie’s. They were trying not to cry in front of a grieving lover; they figured you would take it as a mockery of your lost love. You wished they would cry so you could let your tears out with them. 

“I know. I’ll be here if you need me.” You said, coldly. You didn’t mean for it to come off as callous or rude, but you really needed them gone as soon as possible. You couldn’t take looking at them right now, and possibly ever again.

“Okay. Get some sleep eventually. Don’t wanna lose you, too.” He meant that, and you knew it. They walked away as slowly as they came into the picture. You wanted to let it all out so badly. You wanted to scream, and sob, and grieve, but you would have to wait.

“I’m sorry if I’m interrupting.” Came a voice, gentle and full of care. It was Niccolo, and you truly did not want to look up to see him. You could muster the courage for Jean and Connie because they could, but you could feel Niccolo shaking from the ground.

“No, it’s okay. You can sit here, too, if you’d like.” You patted the ground next to you, being polite because you knew exactly what she meant to him. He sat down next to you shakily.

“So…she’s really…” He didn’t want to finish the sentence.

“Yeah.” Neither did you.

“I know I was just a random cook, and that none of you trust me, and that you’re all devils to me,” He was rambling, clearly having a similar problem to yours. “but she was special. She…she didn’t deserve this. She deserved a long happy life. One with you and all the tasty food she could ever want and I could make. She wasn’t just a soldier.” It took so much strength not to break down right in front of him; to throw your head down in his lap and soak him with salty tears and deafen him with screams of pure grief. You couldn’t. You wouldn’t.

“You’re right. But this is the reality, and we have to live on.” You said, trying to comfort him while still trying to get him away from you. “She wouldn’t want to be the reason you stopped making all that good food. I think that’d be worse than death for her.” You lightly giggled, comforted by the idea of her smiling down at Niccolo stirring a pot, wishing she could come back to have one last taste.

“Yeah, but still. How do you let go of someone so…?” He asked, still clearly trying to stay somewhat composed.

“You force yourself to. You think about what they would want, and how upset they’d be about you quitting because of them.” You answered halfheartedly. You really didn’t know the answer. “At least, that’s what Captain Ackerman told me once way back when. Before I’d seen more than one life end in front of me. I guess you’re kind of like that now.” You remembered how innocent you used to be, smiling at the realization that Niccolo was just as naive right now. “Trust me, you’ll move on.”

“I’d like to think so.” He looked off into the distance, staring like he saw and felt the same things as you. “I’ll…I’ll leave you alone now.” He said after a few minutes of silence had passed. “I know you said I wasn’t interrupting, but I still feel like I am. I’m…really sorry for your loss.”

“It’s our loss, but thank you.” You said, not looking up as he let out a few solemn, quiet tears and left with his face in his hands. You were finally alone to think. What was there to think about? She was gone.

You thought about that. Thought about how scared she must have been. No one saw that gunshot coming thanks to the cheers. You didn’t know who to blame. Eren for dragging you all there? Zeke for letting those ‘miscalculations’ make it out alive? Floch for telling everyone to keep cheering after Sasha and Jean told them to stop? Did it really matter? It was all over now.

You remembered holding her limp body in your arms as the life left her stunning eyes, as the final breath left the lips you loved kissing the most. Her head laid in your lap as Armin and Mikasa screamed at her to keep breathing and to just hang on. Your tears mixed in the air and on her fresh corpse. You thought about how nothing would ever be the same again. You tried to comfort yourself a little bit.

You saw her waking up on a tuft of the softest, brightest clouds imaginable. Her beautiful eyes slowly opened, then she shot up as her hand trailed down to her bullet wound. The wound seemingly vanished. She carefully got to her feet and walked a few steps forward. Suddenly she saw everyone. She wasn’t the only lost soldier after all. She was very far from the first. You could hear them all talking to her, welcoming her to her new home with them.

“Sasha!” Marco exclaimed, not sure whether to be excited or saddened by the sight of the funniest person he had ever met. “It’s been a while, huh?” He laughed, scratching the back of his head. 

“Marco?” She questioned, still not fully sure of where she was. “You’re…you’re whole again! Jean said you…” She trailed off, not sure if it was still a sensitive topic.

“Yeah, we can talk about that later if you want. But you’ve still got more people to see!” He grabbed her hand and gently pulled her forward. She was a bit more sure of her location now.

“Oh, Braus! You’ve finally made it back to us.” Came a strong voice she recognized immediately.

“Commander!” She immediately saluted. He chuckled at her display.

“At ease, soldier. You are here to rest after all.” He said lightheartedly, knowing just what to say like he always did.

“Oh! So I was right about that.” She said, a bit disappointed, but still happy to see her old comrades.

“Yeah, but don’t worry!” Marco said trying to reassure her, not wanting her to be sad for a second. “Everyone else is here, too!” Suddenly, some figures appeared from the clouds, forming a small welcoming party.

“I know you don’t know everyone very well, but I promise, they’re all very happy to see you.” Erwin bent down a bit to say it directly in her ear after noticing her sudden nervousness.

She recognized a few faces, some less than others, but most were distinct enough to notice. Ymir and Bertholdt stood slightly sheepishly, still clearly ashamed of what they’d done. Marlowe stood rigid as a slab of wood, and Miche looked as standoffish as ever. A woman with hair the color of the sunset stood with a bright smile. A few more soldiers stood with them; she felt a bit bad for not remembering them very well.

“They’re all here for you! You’re home now, Sasha!” Marco said enthusiastically. 

Sasha ran forward and enveloped them all in a group hug. That’s how you pictured it. Maybe being a Titan shifter stopped you from going to heaven, or maybe Erwin went a bit farther south, but it didn’t matter. To you, Sasha was home now, with everyone else you’d ever lost. Marco was right, she was home, and you didn’t have to worry.

You let everything out. You started sobbing for the first time in years as the sun set in front of you and your lover’s gravestone sat behind you. Sasha was at peace, and you had to move on, but you could grieve for a few more minutes.


End file.
